Mission 666 Shaking off a Fangirl
by Clairavance
Summary: "It's like me always playing the 'Dante's immortal' card. People facepalm when I join a discussion because they know what I'm going to say, and they can't tell me I'm wrong either because I'm not." "I'm not immortal." "YEA YOU ARE! DON'T START WITH ME!"
1. Chapter 1

**Credits to my twin brother for inspiring this.  
Procrastination draft. Written while listening to Cascada's 'Every Time We Touch'.  
I tried to make it cool. Did I fail? Nah, can't go wrong with Dante ;)  
Like it? Review to show your love.  
Hate it? Review anyway!  
No reviews = fic will be abandoned.  
O_o!!!  
Read your heart out.**

**~....~**

"I have a job for you."

Dante lifted luminous blue eyes from the thick, neat roll of money shoved into his hand to give a curious look at a pale, jittery Lady leaning against his desk. There was something different about her - not just the jitters, but something else. Maybe she got new shades, or done her hair - he couldn't pinpoint what it was exactly, but it was disturbing. He dropped his feet onto the wood floor with a tedious thump, and made a casual gesture with the cash.

"What's the catch?" He asked suspiciously.

"I don't know if there is one." Lady said curtly. "All I know is that some powerful magic is being used to bring back the dead. Dark magic."

"So?"

"It might interest you, dumbass," Lady said. "Evil is being raised from the abyss and my suspicions are that it's an army being recruited."

Dante let out an impatient sigh. "Yeah? Why would that interest me, Lady?"

"Besides the fact that you are the only one who can stop them?" Lady said and peeked over the rim of her shades at him. "Take a guess who is at the forefront of this diabolical scheme."

"Sparda." Dante said.

Lady shook her head. "Your brother."

Dante stared at her unblinkingly for a long moment, and resorted to an offhand shrug. "Sure, I'll take it." His fingers tightened around the wad of cash. "What's their location?"

Lady pushed a map across the desk at him with her fingers. "Try to make this worth the pay."

"I thought you'd be joining me." Dante said, giving the map a quick look before getting to his feet and holstering Ebony and Ivory.

"I've been through this once. I don't want to go through with it again." Lady said vaguely. "Besides, I can't join you. They've taken Kalina-Ann."

"What?" Dante balked, and scowled at her. "I knew there was something different about you today. So you want me to bring back your baby, too?"

"Without a scratch on her." Lady said with a slight nod, and a small smirk. "Not too big a job for you to handle? I could always get someone else..."

"Nah, it's cool. I've got this in the bag." Dante cut in and brushed past her toward the door.

When he found the location, it wasn't exactly what he'd expected. Dante found himself wandering down a narrow, foul dead-end alley in the settling dusk. No doors, no abandoned building, no trapdoor. They must be working in a different dimension – figures. Else he was sure he would have picked up on his brother's presence. Vergil and his perfect little vendettas against the world. Tch.

As soon as he thought it, Dante came face to face with a portal. He could barely see it in the dim light, rippling like a pool of water suspended vertically in the air in front of him. He reached over his shoulder and drew Rebellion. Feeling the secure weight of the blade in his hand, he heaved his shoulders, sucked in a breath of air, braced himself - and stepped through the portal.

The air around him crackled and buzzed, and then the water consumed him. His skin prickled and he watched himself burn away; skin peeling back like scorched paper, little sparks of ember floating away with what was once his body. His eyes ached and stung, and he forced them shut; the water forced itself up his nose and down his throat, spreading through his lungs to his stomach, searing into his bloodstream and flooding his innards. He pushed forward, and broke free of the hellish portal. His senses came rushing back by tenfold; traffic not far off and a million voices talking over one another rushed through his ears, the strong and definite aromas of pizza – and was that the loving pungent smell of strawberries? - wafted up his nose and tickled his taste buds, and sent an eager rumble up from his stomach.

Dante opened his eyes, Rebellion held ready, but what filled his vision was unlike anything he'd ever come across before. His body was changed. His skin felt warmer and looked less perfect – and real. It was hard to describe it other than that one word. Real.  
And he was surrounded by kids – boys and girls, and some he couldn't tell the difference – dressed in the weirdest getups that rivalled even the Jester's attire. The second he thought it, Jester came strolling right past him with Trish linked on his side.

"Hey, Dante," Trish said, sending him a playful wink on her way past him.

Dante trailed after them a few steps and stopped to really look around him. There was Nero – two Nero's. Three. Four Arkham's. And a sea of red and blue... Dante edged forward, his grip firming on Rebellion's hilt. Was that Vergil and...and _him_?

His lips rounded in a disbelieving 'o'. A pudgy looking Lady bumped into him accidentally, and Dante shifted himself out of the way to weakly lean back against a wall. For the love of pizza, what the hell was this? An army of evil – an army of reject clones?

He knew Vergil was easily manipulated by demonic forces, but to think his brother would be nuts enough to succumb to a plan this unconventional and malevolent... these were just kids.

Children running around swinging swords – and there were two of them, one dressed as Vergil and the other dressed like Dante, involved in a fight. People were backing up to watch. They were going to lob each other's heads off. Dante moved forward, pushing his way through the crowd to put a stop to the madness before someone really got hurt, and picked up the pace when one shouted, "Why do you refuse to gain the power of Sparda!?"

"Because my soul is telling me it wants to stop you!" The boy in red responded.

Dante brought Rebellion down when their swords met. Both boys retreated suddenly, taken aback, staring at their mutilated swords. It took Dante a second to realize their swords were plastic coated with smooth foil. Toys.

"You guys suck!" A female voice jeered, followed by a murmur of agreement, and several opposing opinions, before the crowd around them dispersed.

"Dude, what's your problem?" the Vergil clone snapped.

"Eh...tch..." Dante muttered, sheathing Rebellion on his back awkwardly.

"We do not!" the Dante clone retorted to a petite girl, with a sea of black hair entwined with red ribbon coiled around her head and down her shoulder, and dressed in a long cream trench coat. "Like you can talk! You're not even cosplaying, so who the hell are you to judge?" The boy said ruthlessly.

"Cosplay?" Dante repeated to himself, now thoroughly lost.

The girl undid the buttons of her coat and pulled it back to reveal a skin tight, sexy black leather number. She arched her eyebrows at the guy, and whipped out a pair of pink pistols with impressive speed, aiming them at his head.

"Suck it up, Dante – you just got owned by Bayonetta," the girl said, and pulled the triggers. Water squirted in the guy's face, who sputtered and backed off quickly.

"Grow up!"

"Yeah, right," Bayonetta muttered and turned to Dante with a grin. "Nice sword. Is it real?"

"Uh, last time I checked." Dante said.

"How'd you get past security with it? Don't let them catch you with a real weapon. They'll kick you out of here faster than you can say 'let's rock'."

"I'm looking for..." Dante paused, and rubbed the back of his neck, flustered. "I'm looking for Vergil. I heard he's the brains behind this getup."

"He is?" Bayonetta's eyes grew round in surprise. "I've got no clue. There's about a hundred Vergil's running around, who are you looking for?"

"My brother." Dante shifted on the spot uneasily. Something wasn't right here.

"Right, what's his name? You could always go over to the information desk and ask them to call him over the intercom." Bayonetta said, gesturing in the direction of a white booth smack in the middle of the convention.

"His name is Vergil." Dante said, and pressed his hand to his forehead. This was going to be a blast.

"For real? That's weird." Bayonetta said. She lingered for another moment, watching him strangely, then patted his shoulder. "Want to grab some strawberry sundae with me?"

"No, I've got work to do..."

"Oh, _c'mon!_ What kind of Dante are you if you say _no_ to a free strawberry sundae? Dude, come on. I'll help you find your Vergil straight after, okay?"

Dante hesitated, and reluctantly caved in. "Yeah, okay."

They got takeaway ice creams – tiny ones that wouldn't even touch the pit in his stomach, a real tease.

"Is this your first time at a cosplay convention?" Bayonetta asked, studying him curiously.

"Maybe. I've seen a couple of nutters try on Sparda time and time again," Dante said as they wandered around the busy rooms. "But nothing like this."

"I thought you looked a bit nervous." Bayonetta grinned at him. "If it helps at all, I think you're the best Dante cosplay to walk the earth. Really, I mean that. You look exactly like him. Is that your natural hair colour?"

"Yeah." Dante said, giving her a sidelong glance. Were all these kids insane?

"Heh, that's funny. You know Reuben had to dye his hair to look like Dante."

"Who?"

"The dude that does Dante's mocap and voice over in the game. Come on, you're kidding right? You don't know who Reuben is? Reuben Langdon?" the girl prodded, and stared at him as though he was the crazy one. "You're _joking!_"

"What game are you talking about?"

"Devil May Cry!" Bayonetta stopped to really gape at him. "You don't even know what gaming character you're cosplaying? What is wrong with you?"

"Gaming character?" Dante repeated, and let out a long, heavy breath. "I'm a gaming character? Wonderful. This is the shit you get when you mess with alternate dimensions. Listen, babe, I've gotta find my brother so I can get the hell outta here."

"Okay." Bayonetta said thoughtfully, and turned away from him abruptly. "Well, if he was here, I'd have noticed. He's not. You might have the wrong alternate dimension."

"I knew there was a catch," Dante grumbled, and gave the girl an assessing look. "I guess that means there's no Kalina-Ann here either. Great. What a waste of time."

"As opposed to what – hibernating in your office?" Bayonetta said snidely, and smiled sweetly when his eyes flashed at her sharply.

"What would you know?"

"I know where Kalina-Ann is."

"Yeah? Fess up, lady, I don't have all day." Dante said impatiently.

"She's right there." Bayonetta pointed, and Dante followed the direction.

A line of glass display units were situated against a wall, and Dante strolled over to it. Life-size figurines were in each case. One of Vergil. One of Dante.

"Not too bad, right?" Bayonetta said next to him.

"Not bad at all," Dante said, giving the figurine of himself another one over before moving on to the next. And there she was – Kalina-Ann, in all her slick black glory, mounted up with secure blocks of wood. "There you are."

"Can I just say, run like hell when you've got it?" Bayonetta said.

"Why? Like anyone here is gonna stop me?" Dante smirked.

"You don't know the power of fangirls and fanboys united. They'd want to knock your head off, because everybody wants these, and nobody's got the cash for it. You think they'll just let you waltz out of here with that?" Bayonetta said, nodding at the rocket launcher.

"Like I said, who is gonna stop me?" Dante repeated.

"Hang on, I've got a plan. Seriously, don't _touch_ it until I get back." Bayonetta said, and melted into the crowd. Dante watched her disappear, and turned back to the glass case in front of him. He took out Coyote-A and held the barrel an inch from the glass. Finger on the trigger – the shot fired and glass shattered, the exact instant an ear-splitting siren deafened the room. People started running, their screams muffled over the siren, and then the girl was beside him, swatting him on the head.

He faced her and got ready to tell her off, but she motioned to her ears, the fire alarm screaming, and then gestured frantically at Kalina-Ann. Get it, get out. Cool, that suited him just fine. Dante swung the rocket launcher over his shoulder, and made headway back to the portal without looking left or right. The silence the portal brought with it was soothing, and even though he felt like something had been stripped from him when he stepped back into the alley, he felt at home.

**~...~**

**Like I said. Review, or no next chapter.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A big THANK YOU to **_**you –**_** YES YOU – for your awesome reviews :)  
And thanks to my partner in crime for turning this chapter into what it is!**

Muse for this chapter: If You're Gonna – Natasha Bedingfield (yeah, play it louder!)

**~...~**

A faint sound, eerily similar to a squeal, made Dante whirl around with Ebony drawn and ready to fire. He caught sight of something black and small dodging into the shadows in his peripheral vision as he turned, but when he looked it was gone. He swivelled his gaze to the slender figure that had appeared in the middle of the alley, and put away his gun dismissively to face the street.

"What are you doing here, Trish?" His words wavered feebly and he did a double take. It was Trish, but it wasn't. Too petite to be Trish... not Trish at all. Her outfit, yeah, but the facial features didn't belong to her, and neither did the shoulder length honey blonde hair.

Dante let out a miserable sigh. "Are you following me, Shorty? Look, just go back to where you came from."

"Dante!" Trish squealed, eyes round and face flushed a pretty pink.

Dante backed up a step, surprised. "I don't have time for this. Go back. Go on," he said, making a shooing gesture toward the back of the alley.

The motion spurred the girl into movement and Dante found himself flat on the ground with broken glass and grit stabbing into his back and a miniature Trish all over him, squishing his face with her hands and smothering his head with passionate kisses.

"Whoa! Slow down, babe!" Dante chuckled, easily plucking the girl off him and holding her at bay as he recovered to his feet.

"What, you don't like me?" Trish asked, and pouted endearingly up at him.

"I don't have a problem with fast women," Dante said, readjusting Kalina-Ann on his shoulder and wiping gravel off his coat. "But you don't belong here. You need to get back to your own world."

"I don't care. I want you." Trish said deadpan, holding his eye daringly.

Dante glanced at her hands on her hips, and met her gaze. For a moment he just looked at her, then shrugged. What the hell, it wasn't worth the hassle. How much trouble could one little lady be, anyway? She'd get the message soon enough – people tend to get fed up with him quickly.

"Fine, do as you please." He said with a wave of disregard, and strolled from the alley onto the street.

He could hear the girl keeping up with him, even when he picked up the pace. Devil May Cry loomed up in front of him a few blocks later, and he sent a quick glance over his shoulder.  
Yeah, she was still there. A bit of a distance behind him, her eyes fixed straight on him. Dante sighed disgruntled, and marched into the office. He shoved Kalina-Ann into a surprised Lady's arms.

"That was quick." Lady remarked, examining the rocket launcher. She shrugged it over her shoulder, and turned to look at Dante. He was back in his usual pose behind his desk, head tilted back and eyes closed. "What happened?"

"I'm assuming when you said you didn't want to go through with this again that you meant you didn't want to be subjected to a cosplay convention, right?" Dante said without opening his eyes.

"What else, dumbass?" Lady said, and lifted her eyebrows challengingly when Dante looked at her.

"You said my brother was behind this. That some evil..."

"I thought he was, didn't you see all the Vergil's walking around? And it is evil, all those children dressed up like they want to be you." Lady interrupted and scowled when Dante's face soured. "What? You get to keep the money."

"So you can just win it back again when I lose at another poker game?"

"Come on, Dante. We both know you won't _have_ the money to pay up." Lady said and started toward the door.

"Yeah, whatever," Dante muttered, shifting back into his lazy position.

The doorknob turned just as Lady reached for it and the door burst open. A gust of wind blew Lady's hair back, and she was faced with a girl wearing Trish's gear. Lady stared. The Trish lookalike stared back for a few minutes, and with startling speed shot past Lady and promptly jumped onto Dante's lap.

"Oompf!" Dante bellowed at the sudden attack, and his arms flailed helplessly when the chair teetered too far back. They crashed to the floor. "Shit!"

The Trish girl started showering him with affection, and Dante tried to dodge those affections as best he could. Lady walked over cautiously to peer over the desk at the scene.

"How many followed you?" Lady asked, momentarily surprised.

"Just...this...one...I think..." Dante struggled to peel the girl off him. "Take it... easy Chibi Trish... I'm a solo act... and I...like it that way..."

Chibi Trish resisted Dante's attempts. "I'm handy! I fit in places taller people can't go."

"Get me a putty knife so I can get this girl off of me!" Dante growled at Lady's amused grin.

"I don't know, Dante, she could be useful." Lady drawled maliciously.

"If you want me off all you have to do is ask," Chibi Trish said.

"Tcha! Get off! _Now_!" Dante squirmed, afraid he might hurt her if he simply used force. Then, as an afterthought, he added, "Please!"

"All you had to was ask," Chibi Trish repeated, releasing her death grip on him.

Dante watched her trail over and make herself comfortable on the couch. He pulled himself back onto his chair, staring at the girl warily. Lady looked from one to the other.

"What are you going to do?" Lady finally asked.

Dante repositioned his feet on the desk and leaned back on the chair, cautiously keeping his eyes fixed on Chibi Trish. "I'm gonna get some pizza."

"Do you mind if I stay here for a bit 'til I can find my way home?" Chibi Trish asked, and added as explanation when Lady turned to look at her. "I have a horrible sense of direction."

"No."

"I know you're a dick, but you can't just kick the poor thing out on the street," Lady said, giving Dante a sideways glance.

"Yes, I can," Dante said with an irate sigh. "Hit the road, both of you."

"I have nowhere to go, and I have no money," Chibi Trish protested.

"That's not my problem."

"I'll be a good girl," Chibi Trish said pleadingly.

"She _is_ your problem." Lady contested, turning to Dante. She swatted his feet off the table, and won a growl from him in response. "If you watched your back, she wouldn't be here. It's your fault, and your problem."

"No way." Dante shook his head.

"Did you even close that portal behind you? Did you check..."

"Yeah, yeah." Dante muttered. "Don't tell me how to do my job."

"I can cook." Chibi Trish piped up.

Dante groaned.

"Just deal with her. Take her home." Lady suggested.

"Why don't _you_ take her home?" Dante retorted.

"Please just let me stay for a week or so." Chibi Trish begged.

"I don't know you to turn your back on a damsel in distress." Lady remarked when Dante opened his mouth to snap at the girl. "That's a new level of charm, even for you."

Dante shut his mouth and gave Lady a full on death glare for a long second before releasing his breath in defeat. "Fine. You can stay."

"Thanks!" Chibi Trish said, smiling from ear to ear.

Dante scowled when Lady spun on her heel and waltzed from the office, slamming the door behind her. "Just keep out of my way, alright?" He added to the girl.

"I'm really fun, I promise," Chibi Trish said.

"Fun, huh?" Dante asked lazily, leaning on the desk with his elbow.

"Yeah."

Dante tapped his fingers on the dark tabletop, surveying the contents on his desk – a couple of magazines, his prized possession smiling back at him from a photograph, and a couple of military bullet packets carelessly left open. His eyes darted from the bullets on his desk to the guns Chibi Trish had stuck in her belt.

"What kind of fun?" Dante asked.

Chibi Trish noticed his stare. "I'm a real good shot."

"I'm sure you are, lady," Dante said patronizingly.

"You can call me Chibi, okay?"

Dante ceased drumming his fingers on the desk, and swiftly got to his feet. "I'm heading out. Toilet's in the back if you need it. And don't wreck my shop."

"I'll probably just take a nap on the couch."

Dante stopped halfway across the office at her response, and turned sideways to look at her. She was already stretching out on the couch. She'd genuinely be happy to just sleep on his couch? That wouldn't be very nice for her, he knew what uncomfortable beds they made. He didn't want her in his bed either, though, that was his territory, and his alone. Dante sighed and caved in reluctantly. "Want to come with me?"

"Where ya going?" Chibi Trish asked eagerly, sitting back up.

"Gonna take a ride downtown to the pizza joint."

"I'll come if you don't mind me tagging along."

"Like I have a choice?" Dante grumbled.

"Come on, I told you I'm fun!" Chibi Trish said.

"Yeah, yeah. Don't make me wait for you." Dante sighed and pushed the door open.

"I'm right behind you," Chibi Trish grinned.

Dante marched outside and got onto his bike. He snapped the engine on and revved the handlebars before looking at the girl dejectedly. "You getting on or what?"

"Yeah!" Chibi Trish said and climbed onto the bike behind him.

"Hold on tight." Dante said over his shoulder, and pulled away from the curb with wheels shrieking.

The diner was across town, and his stomach was starting to rumble by the time he finally pulled up outside his favourite spot. He swung off the bike and went inside, not bothering to look if Chibi was following or not. He knew she was right on his heels. That was the problem – how was he going to get rid of her? He took his usual seat at the window.

"The usual," Dante grunted when Cindy came skating over on her rollerblades to take his order.

"Okay! Do you want me to make it a double for you and your date to share?" Cindy asked in cheery tones, and Chibi burst into a fit of giggles.

"She's not my _date_," Dante barked.

"As much as it pains me to admit this, he's right," Chibi confessed, and turned to him. "Random question – Dante, how old do you think I am?"

"I dunno, twelve?"

"Oh, puh-lease! I'm a lot older than twelve. Guess again."

"Okay... fourteen?"

"Older." Chibi said flatly. "Want a hint?"

Dante leaned back in the booth and waved Cindy away. "Yeah, sure."

"I'm legal."

"You're eighteen."

"You're closer now than you have been. But I'm older than eighteen."

Dante stared across the table at her. She was getting pissed off at him – the creepy admiring gleam she'd had in her eyes was starting to dwindle as her temper rose. Good. Maybe she'll get mad enough to walk out on him. Problem solved, case closed.

"So you're what, twenty one?"

"No. Want me to just tell you?"

"No, I'm not interested." Dante said impatiently, throwing a quick look toward the counter. Where was his pizza, damn it?

"Sure you aren't? If you weren't, you wouldn't have kept guessing." Chibi pointed out.

Dante blinked. "You told me to guess."

"You would have stopped at the second guess if you weren't interested. Anyway, I'm twenty three."

"Could have fooled me." Dante said. It didn't seem to do the trick. At any rate, it didn't look like she was going to get up and leave at all. There was an awkward silence in which Chibi simply glared at him. A change in strategy was needed. "So... you got a Dante waiting for you back home, Chibi?"

"Nope. Not exactly."

"What does that mean?" Dante scowled at her.

"I have a boyfriend, but I can't get him to cosplay as you."

"Good, so you've got somebody." Dante said. He suppressed his smile and idly said, "He must be wondering where you've disappeared to."

"Yeah." Chibi agreed quietly.

Dante leaned back and studied her for another moment. She looked a little miserable at the mention of her boyfriend. Jackpot. "I can help you get back home, y'know."

"Yeah? How?" Chibi asked.

"Retrace our steps." Dante shrugged, and tipped his head back into the booth to survey the diner.

"I looked behind me when I followed you. The portal closed."

"So? I'll open it again." Dante said with a wave of disregard. "Do you see our waitress anywhere?"

"Yeah, she's over there," Chibi said and pointed toward the front of the diner.

Cindy was loitering around her beefy boyfriend whom, to Dante's annoyance, was devouring a tall strawberry sundae. He'd told the guy to get off this horse a long time ago, but the poor muck was adamant to mime Dante.

"Hey, Cindy!" Dante called. The girl twisted around, and came rolling over to the table immediately with a cheerful smile on her face.

"Anything else?"

"What do you mean anything else? Where's my pizza?"

"Oh!" Cindy blinked, her smile gone. "I thought your friend said she'll take it to you."

"What friend?" Dante snarled, scanning the diner for Lady.

"That would be me," a familiar voice said, and Dante turned to see Bayonetta leaning over from the booth behind him, succinctly licking off her fingers. "Mmm, that pizza was _good_."

"You're stalking me too?" Dante asked, shifting away from her.

"I can't help myself," Bayonetta shrugged, and grinned widely at Chibi. "Hey! You got him to take you out for pizza? How'd you do it?"

"I was just being my cute self," Chibi giggled.

"You two know each other?" Dante asked.

"Everybody knows who we are. I'm Bayonetta, and she's Trish. Duh," Bayonetta said, pulling a face at him and popping a red lollipop in her mouth.

"Yeah, we're friends," Chibi said.

"And the hottest chics to hit the gaming scene, ever." Bayonetta boasted.

"How many of you crazy women are there?" Dante asked unhappily.

"About a billion gazillion trillion. I don't know, I suck at maths." Bayonetta said.

"That are after me." Dante frowned at her.

"Everyone that's been exposed to Devil May Cry?"

"_Here_." Dante snapped.

"Oh." Bayonetta blinked. "I don't know, just me and Chibi as far as I know."

"It's just us here in your world." Chibi confirmed.

Dante didn't find that reassuring. Ditching one of them proved difficult; getting rid of _two_ of them was going to pose a bigger challenge. "Why are you here anyway?"

"Well, I'm here 'cause I had a fangirl moment. Now I just wanna go home." Chibi said.

"Oh, come on, Chibi. How many times does the opportunity to stalk a fictional character come by?" Bayonetta said pleadingly, and poked Dante on the shoulder. "Tell her how happy you are to have us as your guests."

"Get lost." Dante said, rolling his shoulder away from her in annoyance. "My life was good up until you two came along."

"I wanna get back to my job. This will make one hell of a story." Chibi mused out loud.

"If you go now, you're leaving him at my mercy." Bayonetta threatened, casually climbing over the red booth to sink down next to Dante with a big smirk on her face. "And then who will save poor Dante?"

"Well it seems that we won't be able to get home for a while... so do you mind if we crash on the couch, Dante?"

Dante looked from one to the other in disbelief. "You, yeah. Her," he pointed at Bayonetta. "Hell no."

"Is it because I'm not cosplaying as Trish?" Bayonetta said, crushed. She folded her arms across her chest and sulked. "Favouritism messed up your brother. Don't make me go all-out Vergil on you."

Dante stared back at her, disconcerted. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh yes I do! I'm a fan, remember? I know everything about you. Or... well, everything Capcom feeds us, anyway." Bayonetta mumbled.

"I doubt it." Dante said, his appetite suddenly gone. Exactly how much did these two crazies know about him?

"Wanna try us?" Chibi challenged.

Dante shook his head. "Cindy, can you get a batch of pizzas delivered to my place?" Dante asked the waitress, who had been watching the exchange with a funny expression on her face.

"Sure, Dante." Cindy said and skated away to place the order as Dante slipped out of the booth.

"Where are you going?" Bayonetta called behind him.

"I told you I can cook, didn't I?" Chibi reminded him.

Dante made a dismal sign with his hand and stepped out of the diner. He mounted his bike, and sped off before either of the girls could gather their legs to follow him. He left his bike outside the Devil May Cry office, and walked across the street to the small blue sign reading Jo's Bar. They wouldn't come looking for him here. They'd probably end up waiting for him at the office. Well, fine, they could wait. Maybe he'll be lucky enough and they'd have stuffed their faces with pizza and fallen asleep by the time he got back home.  
Better yet, maybe they'd catch the hint and stay away from him.

**~...~  
Feeeeeed meeeee revieeeewwwsss (^^,)  
...omnomnom... :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**It's been a while. Well, I've been BUSY, if you haven't noticed! ;)**

**Muse for chapter: Over and Over – Three Days Grace.  
Warning: general annoyance, typical fangirlism, disturbing obsessive behaviour.  
**  
~...~

Dante woozily wobbled across the street in the dead of night. The pink neon sign of his shop was shifting in and out of focus as he approached it unsteadily. He sank down heavily on the stone step outside his front door with a loud sigh, and pressed his hand against his forehead in a futile bid to keep his head from spinning.

"There you are!"

His head whipped up at the familiar voice – the sudden motion made him feel off balance, as though he was going to fall in the same direction of his head. A minute later, he did lean back on his elbows, and blinked hard at the person who had appeared beside him. Just a girl – a kid, from what he could guess – with shoulder length ice blonde hair and slit black eyes that looked back at him innocently.

"You look like crap," the girl added, and Dante shook his head. Was he seeing things? He could have sworn that voice belonged to the black haired, leather clothed minx with that annoying British accent that had been pestering him all day. He closed his eyes and held his breath, counting to ten.

_One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. _He released his breath. _Five. Wait, did I already count five? Damn, I lost count –_

"Are you drunk?" He was poked in the ribs, and his eyes snapped open to glare at the girl.

"You're still here," Dante groaned.

"Of course I am. Where else would I be?"

"Listen, Baylyn..."

"It was Bayonetta."

"Whatever," Dante snapped, slowly sitting back up to look her right in the face. "I don't want you in my shop. I don't want you near me."

"So get a restraining order, moron."

Dante stared back at her angrily. "I don't have time for this."

"Well what do you want me to do? I'm stuck here in your world, and I can't find my way back home. And since it's _your_ fault I'm here at all, you should take responsibility and take me in."

"Bullshit," Dante retorted, and the girl flinched away from him. Good, she was scared of him. That could work in his favour. "I didn't drag you here against your will."

"That's what you'd like to think, isn't it?"

"Listen, Bayonic lady..."

"Okay, just call me Claire, will you?" The girl sighed impatiently.

Dante paused and scowled at her. "I thought you said your name is Bayonetta."

"Do I _look_ like Bayonetta?"

"Lady, I don't even know who the hell Bayonetta is," Dante muttered, grabbing hold of the stair rail and pulling himself up off the ground.

"Can I come in, please?" Claire asked, scrambling to her feet.

"No." Dante said, slamming the door shut behind him and dragging over to the couch. He collapsed onto it and lazily tried to kick off his boots, keeping his eyes closed. He wasn't sure when he'd dozed off, only that he couldn't have been out for more than a minute before a loud bang jerked him awake.

He sat up quickly and did a slow scan of his office. What the hell was that?

The door slammed shut. Dante looked at it sharply, and scowled deeply. A beat. Then the door opened a jar, and banged shut loudly. Again. And again. And again. And ag–

Dante had crossed the distance to the door in the blink of an eye and threw it open. "Stop that!"

"Let me in and I will!" Claire retorted evenly. "It's cold out here, and it looks like it's gonna start rain–"

Dante shut the door, cutting off her sentence. He locked it this time, and with a sigh of satisfaction, started toward the stairs. He shrugged out of his coat when he reached his room and sank heavily onto his bed. He'd just closed his eyes when he heard glass shatter. He lay still, staring up at the dark ceiling, overwhelmed with disbelief and frustration. He heard doors open and shut downstairs.

A few minutes later, the door to his room opened. He propped himself up on one elbow and had Coyote-A aimed at the figure in an instant. "Trespassing is a crime, lady."

There was fumbling and then the light flicked on. He watched the girl's face go white when she saw the barrel pointed at her, and then flush a bright pink. "Go ahead, shoot me."

He fired a calculated shot at her feet, missing her toes by less than a fraction. She leaped back with a shriek, and stared at him with wide eyes. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Get out of my home," Dante growled, and fired another shot at her feet.

Her hands flew up to cover her ears as she backed into the wall, flustered and clearly terrified out of her mind.

"Right now, or the next shot won't miss," Dante threatened.

Claire stared back at him wildly. "Put that thing away!"

"I'll give you to the count of three," Dante fired back, "Or there are gonna be consequences. One."

"But I have nowhere else to go!"

"Two."

"Please... d-don't... kill... me!" Claire wailed hysterically.

"Three."

"I have a family!" Claire cried, throwing her arms around her head and curling into a ball. Dante wasn't sure how she figured she was going to dodge a bullet that way, unless she was made of bulletproof metal. He watched her trembling helplessly, obviously waiting for the final blow, and lowered the gun with an angry sigh.

"Then maybe you should get back to them, don't you think?" Dante relented his harsh tone.

"Why?"

Dante grimaced at her response, and gave her a cold look when she peeked up at him from her arm-and-leg constructed cocoon. "Look, kid..."

"I'll only end up reading about you, writing about you, and watching you, and playing you and daydreaming about you if I do go back. I'd rather stay here. With you."

"You need to... what?" Dante paused when her words registered in his somewhat alcohol induced mind. "You need to get a hobby, lady."

"You _are_ my hobby."

"Get another one!" Dante said through his teeth. "You can't stay here."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want you here!"

"But you don't even know me!"

"Exactly!" Dante snarled, his temper rising to breaking point as the girl uncurled from the floor and cautiously got to her feet, watching him tensely.

"Well will you show a little chivalry and let me stay here at least until I can find my way back?" Claire demanded icily. "Really, I didn't think you'd be this rude."

"And I thought you were a fan," Dante mocked, giving her a tight smile.

His smile faded when he saw her eyes fill, and he shook his head at her. "Fine. But you get the couch."

"Okay."

"And stay out of my room."

"Okay."

"And don't touch anything," he added, waving the gun at her warningly.

She looked back at him, pursing her lips for a second before whispering, "Okay."

"Here," he tossed a blanket from his bed at her. "Now get out."

Claire obeyed quickly, flicking off the light on her way out. He listened to her descend the stairs and then there was silence. Dante lay on his bed for a long time, trying to fall asleep, and finding in groggy realization that he couldn't. His mind kept drifting worrisomely to the girl sleeping in the room below him.

With a disgruntled "_shit_", Dante rolled off the bed and wrenched his door open angrily. He peered downstairs, and felt his hackles rise when he saw the girl wasn't on either of his couches. Spitting the fiery language of devils under his breath, he marched down the stairs to give her a piece of his mind. He nearly knocked her over when she came around the corner suddenly, a glass of water in hand.

"_Fudge_! You didn't change your mind and decide to come finish me off, did you?" She backtracked from him quickly, startled.

Dante glanced from the glass in her hand to her, and finally stepped away. "No. I'm just checking."

"Checking what?" She asked with a frown.

Dante stared down at her, and then gestured to his office. "Where's your friend?"

"Trishy? Erm..." Claire paused, and then shrugged. "I don't know. I think she had things to attend to."

"Is she trying to find a way back home? Where is she?"

"Yeah! Yeah, that's exactly what she's doing!" Claire quipped, heading over to the couch.

"Yeah?" Dante said sceptically. "So why aren't you with her?"

"Beecausssse...it's a one man job. I'd just slow down the process if I had to tag along." Claire said thoughtfully and made herself comfortable on the couch.

"Well," Dante rubbed the back of his neck and unwound behind his desk.

Claire stared back at him, disconcerted. "Are you waiting for a call?"

"No." Dante sighed. "Can't sleep."

"Oh."

Dante leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes tiredly. A frustrated sigh emanated from Claire.

"Don't you ever think about investing in a maid? Your place smells funky."

"Shut up and go to sleep," Dante said, peeking at her through one eye.

Claire was on her stomach, watching him, but flopped over onto her back and pulled the blanket tightly over her at his response. "Sometimes, I really like Nero more than I like you."

"You know Nero?"

"Fan, remember?"

There was a long, pleasant silence. Dante thought he might actually get some sleep in after all, until she started talking again – and didn't stop.

"Always wondered what Sparda was like. He's my favourite, by the way, because he can take you and Vergil down..."

"Nero's just too emo-ish. I mean, his only line that he's most famous for is KYRIEEEEE! So what are they going to do if they take Kyrie out of the equation? NO KYRIEEEE? He's gotta have something to go emo about. What about DANTEEEEE? No...wait, that's just gay..."

"I don't know why everyone wants to hook you up with Lady and Trish. The Vergil and Lady pairings just don't do it for me either. But then I wonder, why do they want to pair him up with Lady and never Trish? I've never seen anyone try to pair him up with Trish. Yeah, okay, so maybe she tortured him and stuff, but Lady's a pretty mean bitch to you as well, so I just don't see the romance blossoming..."

"Going to do a painting of Vergil for a friend. A nude one. Or I'm going to try, at least, you know it might help if you stripped down and showed me what you're made of, Dante, since you guys are identical twins and all..."

"Will you shut up?" Dante finally exploded.

"Or not. I can use my imagination..."

"Enough already!" Dante growled, getting up from his desk. He hauled the surprised girl up off the couch and took a step toward the door, intent on coldly ejecting her out on the street, but then an even better idea made him change direction.

"What are you doing?" Claire yelped, helplessly dragged behind him.

"I want you to meet some friends of mine. I'm sure they'll love your company." Dante said, and opened the back door that led to his storage room.

He forcibly plopped her down in front of a set of swords. "Claire, meet Agni and Rudra."

"Hi!" Claire grinned uncertainly.

"Not another one," Agni said.

"A new friend? How delightful!" Rudra said.

Dante shut the door on the conversation, and very pleased with himself, made his way back to bed. It was easy to drop off into the sweet dreams of fine women and...well, fine women. When he woke up, it was to the tranquillity of silence.

He slipped on his coat, pulled on his boots, and hoisted the black guitar case in which he kept Rebellion onto his back before setting out to the diner down the street. There weren't many customers, and he got to enjoy his breakfast undisturbed.

It was only on his walk back to Devil May Cry, when his office had come into sight, that he remembered the girl he'd locked in the storage room. He jogged up the steps and burst into the store, and crossed the length to the storage door within a second. He unlocked it and wrenched it open.

"...shouldn't be so dependent on each other. I'm just saying, maybe if you spent some time apart, you'll be able to explore your powers more closely. You're just distracting one another with all your idle chatting, you know. I mean, it worked for Dante and Vergil, they're two completely different people because they were separated long enough for them to really learn to know themselves..."

"Are you psychoanalysing my Devil Arms?" Dante asked after a breath of disbelief.

"She has a point," Rudra said.

"I don't like the idea," Agni contested.

"Don't be unreasonable, brother," Rudra said.

"I am not. She is driving us apart."

"Don't make this about her. This will do us good."

"It will not!"

"Yes it will!"

"Shit, you got them to _argue_ now?" Dante exploded.

Claire turned to him with tired eyes and an annoyed expression. "Do you mind not butting in on our conversation?"

"_Get out_!"Dante snapped, nearly hurling the girl out of the storage room. He pointed a warning finger at the now verbal smashing swords. "Shut up or I'm going to kill your ability to speak at all!"

The swords fell silent, glowing furiously in the dim room. Dante closed the door securely behind him and gave Claire a contemptuous glare. "What the hell were you doing?"

"You said I'm not allowed to touch anything, and I didn't. I don't know what you're getting all huffy about," Claire said hotly. "And I don't appreciate being man-handled it either, not even by you, butthole."

Dante growled in response and physically picked her up and planted her firmly on the couch. "Stay here and don't move, or I'm kicking you out."

He started for his desk, but her voice caught him mid-stride. "Dante?"

"Now what?"

"I'm hungry."

"Urgh!" Dante muttered. "So?"

"So go get me some food!"

"You go get it yourself!"

"Nah-ah, you just said I'm not allowed to move from this couch. What, you're contradicting yourself now? How am I supposed to take you seriously if you can't even..."

"Shut it. I'll go get you some breakfast. If I come back and you've moved an inch, I'll know, and I'll dump you on the street. And I'll make sure you don't come back in, got it?"

"Got it."

It took him five minutes to grab a pack of bagels from the dairy on the corner of the street. He stomped back into his office, somehow knowing that she wouldn't be where he'd left her. Indeed, she wasn't. Dante nearly dropped the box in his hands when he saw exactly what she was doing.

Reclining behind his desk, her bare feet propped up and one arm comfortably tucked in behind her head. His antique phone was ringing, and he was thoroughly confused when she kept lifting her legs and slamming her heels back on the sturdy table. He strolled toward her, and scowled angrily when she snatched the phone away when he reached for it.

"Devil may cry," Claire drawled into the phone.

"Oh, hell no," Dante gritted his teeth and leaned over the table to grab the phone from her. "Gimme that!"

"Do you have the password?" Claire asked in a bitchy voice, dodging his hands and circling the table when he leapt across it at her.

"Now!" Dante raised his voice, something he didn't do very often, but this girl was really yanking his chain. He closed the distance between them in one swift stride. He had the phone fly smack into his face as result, and he manage to catch it, keep the profanities shut behind his lips, and get her arm in a death grip at the same time.

He cleared his throat, glaring daggers down at her, and said into the phone, "Password?"

"What password?" Lady's voice came back at him angrily. "And who the hell was that?"

"Aih," Dante let his breath out. "I'm gonna have to call you back."

"But you never ca –"

Dante hung up the phone and yanked Claire closer to stare her down. "What did I say about touching?"

"I... forgot..." Claire quipped with a frown. "Besides, it was just Lady. No big deal."

Dante had to lean down quite a bit to look her right in the eye. He thrust his face in hers angrily. "I'm gonna teach you a little lesson about respecting people's requests."

"Erm...eep?" Claire said, half-mocking, half-unsure. "Wait, wait, wait...it doesn't involve bullets or blood, does it?" she yelped out when he started dragging her toward the back of his office.

"No. That would be me being easy on you. You're going to have to learn the hard way," Dante said – and opened The Door.

~...~


End file.
